Friday 28 February 2014

Day 172: Elusive sleep

I spent the first 3 chemo cycles (on FEC) sleeping off the effects and generally sleeping well. The docetaxel of the last 2 rounds has rendered me unable to sleep for more than a few hours without a sleeping pill (I was up 5 times last night). As I'm not anxious or worried really, I actually think it might be more the menopause symptoms that  have presented that make sleep more challenging. The only upside is that I may be through it before Remie hits puberty as it would save us all.

Thursday 27 February 2014

Day 171: Hanging in

I had a lovely catch up with Aileen after drop off, with conversation on so many of life's normal issues that I felt part of the world. She is due to have her baby around the same time that I'll start radiotherapyhich will be a wonderful distraction for me and a great coffee-delivery service for her.

I then went and home as I had a few things to get done. have made remarkable progress on my "to do" list in the past few days as I've spent lots of time in my office away from the germ-filled public. I might even get to the back of my desk before 11th March rolls around.

Claire dropped by dinner and we had a great chat. After swim lessons at the pool in the drizzle it was home time for all. Poor Remie was cuddly and scared and sad but couldn't say why. It's exhausting. My throat is sore and mouth is gross so I'm going to try for that hibernation thing I've been suggesting.


Wednesday 26 February 2014

Day 170: Getting help and becoming an Aussie

After my post about Remie 2 days ago, Emma reached out (from across the Spit Bridge) to tell me how sad she was for us and how she thought the 22nd of March was too long to wait (and I agree). She mobilised her women's' network and found me someone who could see us more quickly.

I had a wonderful talk today with Sonya, who runs a psychology consultation focused on children. As the mother of an autistic child, she understands what it's like to know there's a problem but not know how to explain it or solve it. She empathised about Remie's behaviour and suggested that she is likely scared and confused, watching me be physically and emotionally vulnerable, and doesn't know what that means for her. She expresses her fears by lashing out, which is totally in sync with her personality. I'm going to see one of her team, Karen, next Wednesday., to get some strategies to help us and the whole family.

Today's exciting news is that I finally became an Australian citizen, after arriving here nearly 17 years ago. I was given my certificate and tree at this afternoon's ceremony at the local council offices (town hall). I gave the "new citizen's vote of thanks" speech as I had been asked, wearing a head scarf to cover my now very obviously balding crown and sides, thinking that there was no way I could have imagined this whole situation when I first moved here. We celebrated with a quick dinner at Manly Wharf Hotel (aka the local pub) with Chris, Pete and Macie as Chris received her citizenship too. And now, at 9.30p, it's well past my bedtime.
Outside Manly Council chambers with my citizenship certificate, flag and koala signed by my family


Family with Mayor Jean Hay

Tuesday 25 February 2014

Day 169: On the mend

La dropped dinner off tonight and was surprised at "how well" I was. I felt much better than the last 4 days so was pleased to show off my relative health. I mentioned that I've been able to so far avoid all the yucky side effects that I had last round and stuck out my tongue to show her how great it is. She was horrified.  I'd forgotten how relative "well" is a and how warped my perception of it is at the moment.

This next week sees my immune system at its low point. I'm not generally agoraphobic, but I must say that I am keeping contact with the public and its germs to a minimum. Given that, I spent most of the day at home plowing through admin stuff that I've ignored for weeks and finished my speech for my citizenship ceremony tomorrow.

I did make an exception and went to yoga, which was enlightening.  It was great to be in the studio and be moving. It was not great to find it so totally challenging that I had to take multiple rest breaks. I just feel good for getting out of the house after the last few days.

Monday 24 February 2014

Day 168: "I glued you in my heart"

Poor Remie. She is having a tough time of it. This morning she was screaming and throwing things at me and scratching Alex (yes, she is 6 1/2) and tonight she's been out of bed half a dozen times in an hour and a half complaining because she can't get to sleep then crying because she is afraid. When I tucked her in for the last time, put on some music and lay down with her, I reassured her that she is safe and that I lover her.  "I know," she said. "I love you, too. I glued you in my heart."  I cried.

I made an appointment for Remie and me to see one of the psychologists who works closely with patients at The Mater. She specialises in families and children affected by a parent's cancer. Unfortunately the earliest we could get in is 22nd March. I am hoping that she can help.

I had a Groundhog Day today.  I expected to be feeling better so I dropped the kids off and went for a walk along the beach. When it was time to turn around and head back, I wished I could catch a lift. I came home and rested as I am still exhausted. My throat started to get sore tonight just like it did last round. I wish I could curl up in a ball and hibernate for the next few days, but I need to write my speech for my citizenship ceremony on Wednesday.  There's my purpose for tomorrow.

Sunday 23 February 2014

Day 167: Haircut

I'm not kidding: I got a haircut today. Crystal came over to cut the kids' and Nick's hair, so she did a little snip of my fringe (bangs).  It was a little amount of hair but a fairly sizeable length went as it has been four months since a hairdresser touched my hair. I may even be inspired to put a treatment of sorts on it as one of the chemo nurses recommended.  I'll just have to see how much I lose in the next week. I already have a balding mullet so fingers crossed the loss isn't too great as I think I'm too close to the end (5 weeks!) to shave.

I'm still feeling like there is a cellular war raging inside of me. I am totally exhausted so spend lots of time "resting" today. I did also pick up Alex from his sleepover, drop him at sailing and have a quick lunch with Jenna, all within a kilometre of home and all on foot (I don't feel safe to drive at the moment). I'm glad we're moving to autumn and it's getting dark earlier; I'd be in bed during daylight otherwise (!).


Saturday 22 February 2014

Day 166: Same again

I spent most of the day lying about, feeling very tired and a bit unwell. I did get a stint and lunch at Little Manly, took Justin on a walk of the Fairfax Track at North Head and walked Alex to his first sleepover party, so it wasn't a total lost cause. So far I'm staying ahead of the side effects that caused me grief in the last round. I'll take that as an accomplishment.

We had to say goodbye to Justin this afternoon, which was sad for all. He was a delightful breath of fresh air whose presence helped all of us immensely. I feel as though I was given a wonderful gift of time and connection from my best "little cousin".  It's amazing how a bad situation can lead to such a good experience. I feel lucky

Friday 21 February 2014

Day 165: Civilian casualties

I can feel the white knights of Docetaxel starting to lay siege to any rogue cancer cells that survived the mastectomy, lymph node dissection and first 4 rounds of chemo. If any nasty cells are remaining, I feel confident that these final 2 rounds, plus the following 5 weeks of daily radiotherapy, will eliminate them.

There is, however, one slight problem: the reinforcements have been brought in to minimise the civilian casualties.  Dex has stepped back from the frontline slightly more quickly this time (2mg today as opposed to 4 at this point in my last round) with the aim of an easier come down. The Fungalin is working hard to contain the thrush that is threatening to overtake my mouth. The topical Zouvirax is attempting to keep the imminent cold sores at bay. The Intestamine is doing its best to soothe the lining of my gut. Panadol and Nurofen have been recruited to help with the bone and muscle pain that started to set in an hour or so ago. Strands of my hair and eyelashes are coming out and my nails are slowly starting to peel. My eyes are starting to get sticky.

Aside from all that, I feel ok. I got to Alex's swim carnival today and managed a takeaway lunch along the beach. I'm going to focus on these last 2 and have faith that the worst will pass by the end of the weekend.

Thursday 20 February 2014

164: More unexpected illness

Last night was not restful. Remie was up regularly from 7p to 11.30p with what initially seemed like night terrors but turned more into painful cries. She awoke complaining of a sore throat, so at 8a I booked her into a 10.30a doctor's appointment.

Added to that was my lower back in spasm courtesy of my steroid-fuelled workout yesterday during which I obviously forgot to switch on my core (!). I think that my gut and mouth were a bit yucky but there's nothing like perspective.  I fit in a 30 minute massage between dropping the kids at school and getting Remie for her appointment which helped a bit.

As this was Justin's day to explore the city, he headed off on a ferry after dropping the kids. Nick sorted out sticking around so took Remie and me to see Dr. Karen who, "in light of this overall situation", opted not to wait 3 more days to see what happens and instead put Remie straight onto antibiotics for the suspected tonsillitis. Oh joy.

I spent most of the day resting while Nick looked after Remie. I had a lovely surprise visit from Daryl, who asked what I'm going to do with my time when I am well again. There's food for thought.

We took Justin and the kids down to the Skiffy for dinner as it was a beautiful evening. My ability to taste is in decline again so I'm back to focusing on texture.

After episode 1 of "House of Cards" season 2 and a sleeping pill to counteract the steroids, I'm off to bed to the sounds of a pan flute-type instrument coming from our relatively boring suburban neighbourhood. Go figure.

Wednesday 19 February 2014

Day 163: Ok so far

This post-chemo day seems to go fairly well thanks to the Dex.  Remie came in at 6a after having slept all night (second time in 2 weeks - woohoo!) and wanted cuddles. I felt fine to do the morning routine, then Justin told me he was here to help and took the kids to school.

Rosalie came by to give me my Nulasta injection (white blood cell booster), but I had to do it myself a few hours later, on the advice of the chemo cottage nurses, to get the maximum benefit out of it. I was feeling inspired so went to the gym and wore myself out. Wow can I notice a difference in my fitness; I got winded after minor cardio. It felt good to exercise in any case. After a quick grocery shop I came home to slouch.

Justin and I spent the early afternoon hanging about. I gave myself my injection and took my meds while he set about making salmon pie for dinner. He checked out my computer's full drive and did some work while I snoozed. It was great having his company.

Chris brought the kids home and the girls played while Alex and Justin did the same plus some homework. Remie started complaining of a sore throat and dinner and felt apart before going to bed. Alex read a few chapters of "The Witches" to Justin and me which was good fun. Poor Remie had a night terror then was up sad with her sore throat. I think we may have another visit to the doctor tomorrow.

I stepped down the Dex today (31/2 down from 4 on Dr. Fran's suggestion) so we'll see what happens.  I'm off to bed just past 9p with a slight sore mouth and gut. I'm taking stuff for both so hopefully they aren't too bad. Time will tell.

Tuesday 18 February 2014

Day 162: Round 5. Only 1 more to go!

Today's treatment was a big milestone as it means I only have one more to go. That means that if it all goes according to schedule, I will say au revoir to the  lovely nurses at chemo cottage (AKA The Patricia Ritchie Cancer Centre) .

After dropping the kids at before-school French at 8a, Justin and I went to pick up Sue. We enjoyed the T3 lane to the Spit Junction in Mosman, where we dropped Justin to catch a bus to Taronga Zoo (I figured he should have some sight-seeing time while I did the boring hospital bit).

We then continued on to the Mater for my 9a appointment with Dr. Fran, who was 30 minutes late. She first asked about the chicken pox and, after I told her the story of Toby ringing me and suggesting I get in touch with her, explained how she had Dr. Ben, who is her Fellow, do the research to determine if they needed to do anything. I asked her why Dr. Karen hadn't suggested that I get in touch with my them. Apparently the type of chemo I'm having, and what it does to my lymphocyte count, was the driver. If I had been on the FEC treatment of my first 3 rounds I wouldn't have needed the booster. That's why Karen didn't immediately get me to contact Dr. Fran. Lucky me.

After hearing about my list of side effects, Dr. Fran told me I was doing well and suggested some ways to better manage them (take anti-thrush med regularly from today, alternate Panadol and Nurofen for bone pain). She agreed that my goal should be to try to stay out of hospital and sent me on my way.

The start at chemo cottage was a bit slow, but it all went without a hitch.  Deb popped by for a visit and Sue and I watched a bit of "The Hunger Games".  I did get very cold from having to use the ice mitts and suck ice chips while the black-bagged docetaxel was infused. After the 4th blanket, was offered the electric blanket. Bliss. I know was to ask for next time. The whole ordeal took a bit more than 2 hours.

We picked up Justin at the zoo and went to have a lovely lunch at Bather's Cafe. Then it was home to rest before Chris picked me up at 5,15p for the school's Parent Info Night. I had Remie's Year 1 at 5.30p and Alex's Year 4 at 6.30p.  I went as Alex and Nick were running the Cubs' biking night.

I'm so relieved another treatment day is finished. I'm writing off the next week and then hoping the one after is easier without having to deal with chicken pox as a solo parent. Fingers crossed Alex doesn't get it and nothing unforeseen trips me up.

Monday 17 February 2014

Day 161: Celebrating

Today was rocking, and I was with it feeling the best I have in 3 weeks. Not only did I have a lovely pre-chemo lunch at Havana Beach complete with platters of very yummy food (yes, I could even taste it at about 80%) and wonderful company, but I also got to attend the intimate wedding of Remie to Mr. Hanky, her beloved green blanket. The ceremony was officiated by my cousin, Justin, who is an actual wedding celebrant. The reception disco was awesome.  The bride and her brother pulled some sick dance moves.

Getting Remie dressed and watching her excitement at being a bride are key reasons that I am organised and determined to go bravely to chemo cottage tomorrow to get more of that "harsh" docetaxel to hunt and destroy any rogue cancer cells. I could sob at the possibility of not being around for Remie's real wedding in 20+ years, but instead I'm focusing on managing this next round's side effects to try to get the most out of the next 3 weeks.

Sunday 16 February 2014

Day 160: Feeling good

19 days after my last round, I'm finally feeling pretty good.  The horrible side effects have passed, and I know fairly well how to manage those that haven't, like my eyes. I even have a bit of my sense of taste back.

I had a great night out last night with my "triathlon team" (no, there's no race on the cards despite it being our annual Huskisson Tri event next weekend), their spouses and Justin. I dolled up for the event in my red wig as my thinning hair has gotten noticeably patchy. I stayed up past 11p and even had a few drinks! It was a wonderful boost for my spirits.

It's been a wet weekend, so we've done lots of laying low. Poor Justin; we are being terrible tour guides. I even had a lie down yesterday in prep for going out. It's been good time at home with all of us getting to enjoy time with Justin.

Just a few days ago I was worried that I wouldn't be ready to withstand another round. Tomorrow's blood test will tell the tale, but right now I feel as though I can do it in a mere 2 days and tick another one off the list. Pity I'll soon feel terrible again. After the last round I've lowered the bar: my main goal for the next 6-8 weeks is to remain well enough, despite any pain or discomfort, to stay out of hospital.

Friday 14 February 2014

Day 158: Company

This was a day of feeling good (ok, that means about 70%, but I'll take that at the moment) and having wonderful company.

Nick and Remie had some bonding time in the morning which gave me some space. That was a nice start to the day.  Nadia came by after drop off and we had a lovely catch up. Then it was a massage with Renee, who always makes me feel better and laugh. A quick chat with Sue was great.  I took Alex to dance and hung around chatting to Andrea.

The most exciting guest arrived after the kids were showered: my cousin Justin arrived with Nick, who had picked him up from the airport. We are all very excited that he's come from Hawaii to help. As he said at dinner, he knows we have great friends here but he thought it was time to bring in some fresh troops after 5 months. I'm looking forward to a week of entertainment as only Justin can provide to take my mind off my plight.


Thursday 13 February 2014

Day 157: Weepy eyes and sad pandas

I awoke to my eyes crusted shut and a cranky Remie. The poor panda is overwhelmed with settling into a new teacher and class, recovering from the pox, Nick being away and having me sick. Nick is front line with her now that he's back, but she still just wants me.  I so wish I could help her more but I have so little to give at the moment and it doesn't seem to be enough.

I spent the day alternating between doing things (taking the kids to school and having a quick catch up with Kim, going for a long walk and lunch with Sue and taking the kids to swimming lessons) and lying in bed with my eyes closed. My nose was runny and my eyes were weepy all day. Add in a few dizzy spells and it was great fun. I tried some Claratyne and later Telfast thinking it was allergies, but to no avail. I finally managed to clear it up around 6p when I resorted to (read: remembered and located) my steroidal eye drops (which means no contacts for 2 weeks, but I haven't been wearing them for at least 2 already). They are still sore but not runny anymore.

I'm exhausted and can't believe I'm going to go for another round in 5 days. I can only hope next week's steroids give me some reprieve.

Wednesday 12 February 2014

Day 156: Perspective

The day started at 6.30a with a grumpy and demanding Remie who'd been up only once in the night.  I can happily say it all got better from there.

I had a lovely catch up with the parents of Laura, my former neighbour (who defected by moving back to the UK, but we try not to hold that against her). Rev. Norman and Sue have such a pragmatic, positive and spiritual way of looking at things. I found our whole time sharing drinks and conversation at the Little Manly cafe to be very uplifting.

After some chores and an unsuccessful rest at home, I went for lunch at Sarah's, my friend and landlord from when I first lived here. This was the postponement from last week when Remie was home She had great stories to tell which, as she put it, "took my mind off chemo for an afternoon".

Chris picked me up and we went to pick up the girls and take them to tennis (Alex was at Tom's for a play date). Nick met us there and then we went to pick up Alex. It's so nice to have him back; I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I'm feeling ok, but what that means is a bit better than I was at my worst of round 3. I can't believe I only have 5 more days to get stronger. I noticed today that one of marks from a failed round 4 needle from 2 weeks ago has yet to heal. Wow. I suspect these next 2 rounds are going to be challenging.

Tuesday 11 February 2014

Day 155: Minor improvements

After being up 3 times last night, Remie was ready to head back to school. She was still itchy but all looked good on the spots front.

I, too, was ready for her to be back at school. I had a very inspiring coffee with Gail, who finished this treatment 2 months ago. She told me her story of how Round 4 flattened her and gave me some tips. She made me laugh and feel like I can indeed get through the next 7 weeks.

I then went to yoga for the first time in 2 months. I did about 80% of the class! which thankfully was not too rigorous. It was great just to feel good enough to be there.

Jennifer N. and Jenny B. came around for a dinner catch up which was another uplifting  interaction. Laughter is indeed good medicine.

I'm tired but optimistic for the first time in just over a week. If all goes according to plan I should be coming out of this chemo haze in 7 weeks.  That's manageable.

Sunday 9 February 2014

Day 153: Boring

After the dramas of the past few days, today was dull and boring, all things considered (a few applications of Calamine lotion and a dose of Benadryl for Remie and a few Fungalin lozenges, some eye drops and an array of supplements for me). The only excitement was the storage freezer that had to be defrosted due to a buildup of ice from the door not being closed properly (!).   I remember being in business school and aspiring to dull and boring. We had no idea.

The only drama at the moment is Nick's 7.5 hour taxi ride to the Tokyo airport (first big snow in 15 years) followed by a re-routing via Hong Kong to Singapore, getting him in at 5a for a day of regional planning and presentations. Perhaps his trip was I'll-fated from the start.

The kids and I had a great 7.30a walk to Little Manly and a refreshing swim.  Getting out on a beautiful morning before the crowds always helps my outlook. After brekkie, we took Alex to his sailing corse and Remie and I ran a few errands. We picked Alex up at midday and went back into quarantine, spending another glorious day at home. To be honest, the rest was probably good for me. Alison kindly rang to check up on us, which made me feel more connected to the world, as did messages from my sister, Sue, Rach and Jen.

Onwards and upwards!




Saturday 8 February 2014

Day 152: Pity party

I bumped into Clare, one of the Breastcare nurses at The Mater, yesterday at chemo cottage. She told me it was ok to take off my mask and be down about feeling terrible. I think I've taken her advice today. Ok, so it didn't help that it was a glorious sunny day and we were quarantined all day due to Remie's chicken pox. I know that this, too, shall pass, but it is feeling like it is going on forever. Feeling crappy is no fun.

I had a good sleep after bailing early on a group dinner at Little Manly cafe last night with 3 other families (Remie was home with her bestie, who has had the pox, and her mum watching a movie, which was an awesome thing for her). Remie and I were back down at the beach at 8.30a after Alex went off to swim club with Rach and family. We had a great time being out before many people arrived. We were home in an hour and set to doing a few chores as she wanted to make some money to get a new Beanie Boo.

I was wiped out by the time Alex got home at noon. We spent the rest of the day hanging around.  I fit in a chat with Mum, FaceTime with Maegan and Skype with Nick so I didn't feel too isolated. Hearing people on the way to the beach and playing next door was sad. The kids played nicely together for a bit then we watched "Despicable Me", which we all enjoyed. Dinner, bath and bed were uneventful. Now my throat is sore so it must be bedtime. I will hold out hope that I will tackle tomorrow with increased humour.

Friday 7 February 2014

Day 151: Life gets hard

It's 1.30p and I am sitting in a consultation room at chemo cottage at The Mater waiting for a nurse to give me an immunoglobulin injection to help protect me from a recurrence of the chicken pox. The nurse told me that it's going to hurt as its a thick injection. I didn't need to know that.

I'm here thanks to Toby, a doctor friend who works in pediatric oncology. He read my blog yesterday about Remie's chicken pox and called last night to suggest I contact my oncology team after explaining what he would do if one of his patient on active treatment were exposed to this virus. I rang Dr. Fran's office at 9a this morning and was told I should be ok. 3 hours later I got a call from Dr. Tim who works with Dr. Fran telling me exactly what Toby had told me last night and could I please get to chemo cottage by 4p. He also warned me that there is a one in one million chance that I could contract AIDS or Hepatitis as this is a plasma injection. I didn't need to know that.

This is following a night of being awake with Remie from 1.30-4.30a. I am shattered. So is she. Her chicken pox have started to burst. She is itchy and tired of being at home. But we are trying to be brave. She is with Rosalie's father at the moment as I couldn't bring her here. They were going to have an ice block and take down the Christmas lights out front. Sue was ready to abandon her cousins who are visiting from Queensland. I am thankful for the support of friends as this is feeling like a very challenging and lonely time with Nick away.


Thursday 6 February 2014

Day 150: Dealing with the unexpected

I feel like the day was all about running from one thing to the next and trying to make alternative plans since Remie needs to be quarantined. I suspect I felt one step behind all day as the kids and I stayed in bed reading a book about sea creatures until nearly 8a.

I woke up rested and feeling pretty good for the first time in a week and a half. Remie had come in at midnight complaining that she was hot and again at 6a asking if she could read, but I still managed to sleep. I even had a coffee though I could hardly taste it as I thought the caffeine might be useful.

The first of the alternative plans came at school drop off. I popped in to explain to Remie's teacher why she wasn't there. Miss A gave me a few drawing things for Remie to do so Remie was happy. We came home and she ran off to play. I think the quiet time at home is good for her. She thankfully isn't too bothered by the spots and only occasionally complains about them being itchy.

More juggling came at lunch, when Emma came to take Remie on a picnic at the usually-empty Little Manly Point while I had lunch with Prue, whom I haven't seen in ages. We swapped war stories and caught up, which was great as she was my very first friend when I moved here.

The afternoon was busy with swim lessons for Alex and juggling plans for tomorrow and the weekend to get Alex out and keep Remie in. Exhausting.

It's well past my bedtime, which seems to be marked by my throat getting very sore. I suspect I have my first mouth ulcer and I still have no sense of taste. The latter is very bizarre. I wonder if it's gone for the rest of my treatment.

Wednesday 5 February 2014

Day 149: The spotlight shifts

I went to bed last night worried that I might take a turn for the worse in the night. If so, who would I ring to look after the kids? I have key friends who have been legendary support, but a middle-of-the-night call is a big one.

Thankfully it didn't come to that. In fact, it didn't end up being about me when the morning came. My throat felt much better. Unfortunately, Remie had a few patches of itchy spots. So Steph took Alex to school while Remie and I went to see Dr. Karen. She didn't see any sign of infection in my throat and said no antibiotics as they'd increase my thrush (which is totally under control). She did say that Remie's spots looked awfully like chicken pox and tried to get a swab. She said we'd be likely to know in 24 hours as the spots would multiply if so. The only good news is that it'd likely be a mild case as Remie was immunised.

So we spent the day at home. Remie had fun doing her own thing but got sad when Alex came home as she hadn't been out all day, so we went down to Little Manly for a quick swing. After dinner and an oatmeal bath (doctor's suggestion), Remie got sad about missing school. She wasn't too itchy and went to sleep ok. Poor monkey.

Rather than lament my situation any more, I finished watching the first season of "House of Cards" tonight. Distractions are much better than focusing on the negatives, which I saw too many people do on Facebook today. I'll try to get back to focusing on the positives, like Alex collecting frangipanis for Remie to have in her bath.  So sweet.


Tuesday 4 February 2014

Day 148: Neutropenia and immune system failure

I'm looking at today as a sort of biology lesson. My oral thrush has cleared up thanks to the med and my cold sores are not painful but just ugly.  My eyes are dry but wearing glasses and using the prescribed drops help. I have a massive bruise on my finger from carrying in normal shopping bags (!).  My nose is runny and now, at 9p, my throat hurts like hell. 

5-14 days post-treatment I am in a period of neutropenia, which is an abnormally low number of neutrophils (white blood cells) in the blood. This means my body's ability to fight infection is greatly compromised and I am like open hunting season to lots of bacteria. Joy oh joy.  And my red blood cell count and my platelets are low so I'm tired and bruise easily. Pity this treatment can't be more discriminating. 

I have been counselled by my guardian angel, Mel, to get myself to my GP ASAP tomorrow and get a blood test. Nick just left for an 8 day trip to Japan and Singapore, so I'm hoping to sleep well and get on top of this quickly. 

Monday 3 February 2014

Day 147: Dreaded mouth issues

I have come crashing down to Earth today. I've been swanning along through this chemo treatment, keeping lots of my hair and managing all the side effects so far. I've been so proud of myself for dodging the bullet. 

Today has been different. Much harder. It started with feeling very winded on my little walk up the Fairy Bower hill this morning on the way home from a short and flat 6.15a walk with Kate. I mean really???  It's just a little walk, for God's sake, not a marathon or even a 10k or even a run!!

Then I terrified my family by sticking out my tongue at them: it was covered in white fuzz. It felt like the inside of my mouth was covered in moss. Thankfully I did the same thing to Lucy, my nurse friend, at school. She sent me to the pharmacist to see if he could help. When I told him I'd just finished chemo round 4, had 2 more to go and stuck my tongue out at him, he took pity on me and quietly handed me Fungalin, a prescription-only medicine to treat thrush. I'll be sure to send my business his way going forward, as I have in the past. 

As my mouth is yucky, I can't taste anything so am making myself eat and drink. The avocado and bocconcini in my lunch salad had the right texture.  The sunflower seeds did not.  It's very strange to get no gratification out of the taste of food. Perhaps I'll go gaunt after all. 

The afternoon saw me break out in cold sores on my bottom lip. Gross. I'm tired and achey and ready for this whole treatment ordeal to be over. Pity the menopause that it's put me in is likely to continue. I'm open to any good news anyone has to share (besides the Seahawks win). 

Sunday 2 February 2014

Day 146: Change

After lying around for the past few days, I decided that getting moving was going to help. We had a family morning swimming at Little Manly, where the sun was shining and it felt like we were on holiday. I so needed a bit of a change to get out of my self-pity rut.

After brekkie at home on the back deck (we never do that), we headed to the surf beach and had a play. The kids went off for a play date with E and M, so we went home and I rested. Man, resting is boring, especially on a gorgeous day, but oh so necessary.

I still don't feel good, but I am sensing I'll get there. In addition to the new side effects, this round has been quite the mental game as it's a new experience. I figure that by Tuesday I'll have a good idea of what to expect next round and will thus be able to plan accordingly. For now I'll just try a bit harder to stay focused on the prize (which, as my aunt reminds me, is spending many more years with my family), be positive and not take my crankiness out of those around me.

Saturday 1 February 2014

Day 145: The bomb drops

I was up just after 5a (it's dark at that time now!) and felt a bit sketchy. As per the past 3 nights, I got about 4 hours solid sleep then tossed and turned for the rest of the night. I decided I was up to a swim, so I met Rach and Sue at the pool and put in 800m; swimming actually felt really good. Then I made the mistake of hanging around the pool for 4 hours for the kids' swim club.  By the time I left I was aching from the waist down and ready to crawl out of my skin. Add in the hot flashes, thick tongue/sore throat and tingling lips and I was ready for party. 

I spent the rest of the day between my bed, the couch and the back deck. I rested when I could, read a bit, talked with my mother and hung out with my family when they returned from mini-golf. Thankfully Panadol helps with the aches and pains. It's by my bedside in the event it becomes required tonight. 

I told Nick earlier that I'm not going back for anymore treatment. He reminded me I say that every Saturday after chemo. With 2 rounds to go, I can only say that once more without it being true. Amen.