Day 344: Meltdowns

It's been building over the past few weeks, so I feel like it's time to let it out. F*^K cancer. It had taken  my weekly routines and replaced them with visits to doctors, nurses and therapists; it has made me question my belief that eating well and exercising regularly means I can enjoy life; it has robbed me of the faith I once had in my body's ability to fix itself, even if it needs help; it has given me a daily worry that I might have to say goodbye to my kids too son; and it has taken my daughter's sense of security and put fear, anger and sadness in its place. Bloody cancer.

When I picked the kids up from school today, Remie burst into tears in the car. She said she was sad that I'm not well and she's worried that I'm never going to be well again. Her focus is the appearance of my hand and arm, but she also sees how it is implacting my movements. We had a big cuddle when we got home and talked about my treatment for it, so she seemed to calm down.

Then tonight I receive the following email from Remie's teacher:

"Hi Nancie,

Just wanted to let you know that Rem had quite a bit meltdown this morning in class.
When we were talking about our feelings she said she didn't want to be at school today and then broke out in tears saying she just wished that mum was better. She went on to say about your hand and a few other things that were upsetting her.

I meant to email you today but it was just a crazy day. I ended up talking to her and the class for about 15 minutes about what a hard situation she and your family are going through and how amazing you have all dealt with it so far. Also that unfortunately cancer doesn't just disappear and that she has to keep on being amazing and bouncing back as much as she can but whenever she needs just to let it out and talk to me and the class whenever she wants.

She was much happier after that conversation and ended up having a great day. I do think she is best to come to school but I did suggest maybe a special mum daughter day some time soon. Not sure what your thoughts are?

Poor little thing, my heart broke when she got upset :( "

Poor Remie indeed. I feel so sad that she is so sad and never mentioned it to me. I wonder if she doesn't want to burden me, or maybe thinks I don't want to hear it. Hmmm, it's time for a chat. 

On a more exiting note, I have an assessment appointment next Wednesday at the Mt. Wolgan Lymphoedema Clinic. They run an intensive program with care from doctors, massage therapists and physios. They are the only hospital in Sydney that has a dedicated lymphoedema program and is "the gold standard" for treatment, say my breast care nurses. 

I rang Mt. Wilga after my talk with Claire. We covered my efforts to get treatment for a condition for which there aren't enough therapists. We also talked about my somewhat shaky mental state and my need to get in to see one of the counsellors associated with the Mater. I may try to get Remie back in as well. 

Just to make sure my plate is well and truly full, I was the innocent party in a rear-end collision that saw no harm come to all involved (I was taking Alex and a friend to Cubs; they thought it was very exciting) but saw some minor damage to my car (and more to the other car). I really didn't need another hassle.