Sunday 25 May 2014

Day 268: The black cloud of fear

I had a perfectly wonderful week returning to the dull and boring routine of normal life. I thoroughly enjoyed my regular exercise and running the kids around. I can get away with simply saying I chose to cut my hair. My memory is not particularly reliable and I'm tired, but I was like that before my diagnosis.

I have actually cherished my cuddles with the kids and time with Nick (don't worry, I did lose my patience with all 3 of them at some points). I appreciate the stories Remie tells and the detailed solution Alex has found to some problem. I know these things don't last forever.

Last night I got to thinking about my high school reunion and showing Alex around campus. It's only 5 years before he'll be old enough to apply if he so chooses. I realised that, by then, I will either be celebrating my 5 year cancer-free mark or not. The idea of dealing with the latter as Alex starts 9th grade sent me into tears. I now understand what cancer survivors mean about "the dark cloud".

I simply have to try to "suck the marrow" out of every day, as Lucy said. I figure it's far better (not to mention much more fun) to focus on that attempt than worry about the dark cloud, about which I can't really do anything.

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