Day 172: Elusive sleep

I spent the first 3 chemo cycles (on FEC) sleeping off the effects and generally sleeping well. The docetaxel of the last 2 rounds has rendered me unable to sleep for more than a few hours without a sleeping pill (I was up 5 times last night). As I'm not anxious or worried really, I actually think it might be more the menopause symptoms that  have presented that make sleep more challenging. The only upside is that I may be through it before Remie hits puberty as it would save us all.

Day 171: Hanging in

I had a lovely catch up with Aileen after drop off, with conversation on so many of life's normal issues that I felt part of the world. She is due to have her baby around the same time that I'll start radiotherapyhich will be a wonderful distraction for me and a great coffee-delivery service for her.

I then went and home as I had a few things to get done. have made remarkable progress on my "to do" list in the past few days as I've spent lots of time in my office away from the germ-filled public. I might even get to the back of my desk before 11th March rolls around.

Claire dropped by dinner and we had a great chat. After swim lessons at the pool in the drizzle it was home time for all. Poor Remie was cuddly and scared and sad but couldn't say why. It's exhausting. My throat is sore and mouth is gross so I'm going to try for that hibernation thing I've been suggesting.

Day 170: Getting help and becoming an Aussie

After my post about Remie 2 days ago, Emma reached out (from across the Spit Bridge) to tell me how sad she was for us and how she thought the 22nd of March was too long to wait (and I agree). She mobilised her women's' network and found me someone who could see us more quickly.

I had a wonderful talk today with Sonya, who runs a psychology consultation focused on children. As the mother of an autistic child, she understands what it's like to know there's a problem but not know how to explain it or solve it. She empathised about Remie's behaviour and suggested that she is likely scared and confused, watching me be physically and emotionally vulnerable, and doesn't know what that means for her. She expresses her fears by lashing out, which is totally in sync with her personality. I'm going to see one of her team, Karen, next Wednesday., to get some strategies to help us and the whole family.

Today's exciting news is that I finally became an Australian citizen, after arriving here nearly 17 years ago. I was given my certificate and tree at this afternoon's ceremony at the local council offices (town hall). I gave the "new citizen's vote of thanks" speech as I had been asked, wearing a head scarf to cover my now very obviously balding crown and sides, thinking that there was no way I could have imagined this whole situation when I first moved here. We celebrated with a quick dinner at Manly Wharf Hotel (aka the local pub) with Chris, Pete and Macie as Chris received her citizenship too. And now, at 9.30p, it's well past my bedtime.

Outside Manly Council chambers with my citizenship certificate, flag and koala signed by my family

Family with Mayor Jean Hay

Day 169: On the mend

La dropped dinner off tonight and was surprised at "how well" I was. I felt much better than the last 4 days so was pleased to show off my relative health. I mentioned that I've been able to so far avoid all the yucky side effects that I had last round and stuck out my tongue to show her how great it is. She was horrified.  I'd forgotten how relative "well" is a and how warped my perception of it is at the moment.

This next week sees my immune system at its low point. I'm not generally agoraphobic, but I must say that I am keeping contact with the public and its germs to a minimum. Given that, I spent most of the day at home plowing through admin stuff that I've ignored for weeks and finished my speech for my citizenship ceremony tomorrow.

I did make an exception and went to yoga, which was enlightening.  It was great to be in the studio and be moving. It was not great to find it so totally challenging that I had to take multiple rest breaks. I just feel good for getting out of the house after the last few days.

Day 168: "I glued you in my heart"

Poor Remie. She is having a tough time of it. This morning she was screaming and throwing things at me and scratching Alex (yes, she is 6 1/2) and tonight she's been out of bed half a dozen times in an hour and a half complaining because she can't get to sleep then crying because she is afraid. When I tucked her in for the last time, put on some music and lay down with her, I reassured her that she is safe and that I lover her.  "I know," she said. "I love you, too. I glued you in my heart."  I cried.

I made an appointment for Remie and me to see one of the psychologists who works closely with patients at The Mater. She specialises in families and children affected by a parent's cancer. Unfortunately the earliest we could get in is 22nd March. I am hoping that she can help.

I had a Groundhog Day today.  I expected to be feeling better so I dropped the kids off and went for a walk along the beach. When it was time to turn around and head back, I wished I could catch a lift. I came home and rested as I am still exhausted. My throat started to get sore tonight just like it did last round. I wish I could curl up in a ball and hibernate for the next few days, but I need to write my speech for my citizenship ceremony on Wednesday.  There's my purpose for tomorrow.

Day 167: Haircut

I'm not kidding: I got a haircut today. Crystal came over to cut the kids' and Nick's hair, so she did a little snip of my fringe (bangs).  It was a little amount of hair but a fairly sizeable length went as it has been four months since a hairdresser touched my hair. I may even be inspired to put a treatment of sorts on it as one of the chemo nurses recommended.  I'll just have to see how much I lose in the next week. I already have a balding mullet so fingers crossed the loss isn't too great as I think I'm too close to the end (5 weeks!) to shave.

I'm still feeling like there is a cellular war raging inside of me. I am totally exhausted so spend lots of time "resting" today. I did also pick up Alex from his sleepover, drop him at sailing and have a quick lunch with Jenna, all within a kilometre of home and all on foot (I don't feel safe to drive at the moment). I'm glad we're moving to autumn and it's getting dark earlier; I'd be in bed during daylight otherwise (!).

Day 166: Same again

I spent most of the day lying about, feeling very tired and a bit unwell. I did get a stint and lunch at Little Manly, took Justin on a walk of the Fairfax Track at North Head and walked Alex to his first sleepover party, so it wasn't a total lost cause. So far I'm staying ahead of the side effects that caused me grief in the last round. I'll take that as an accomplishment.

We had to say goodbye to Justin this afternoon, which was sad for all. He was a delightful breath of fresh air whose presence helped all of us immensely. I feel as though I was given a wonderful gift of time and connection from my best "little cousin".  It's amazing how a bad situation can lead to such a good experience. I feel lucky