Day 26 (Saturday 5 October): Rollercoaster

Today I am a bit down. I am tired. I am stressed.  I am scared to get on the train that takes off next Wednesday at the Mater Hospital.  I have been yelling at my kids for a day now about things that don't matter in the whole scheme of things.  Why can't I just cuddle them and laugh with them?  I am sad they are being pulled into my "swirly vortex of terror, dude" (quote from Crush in "Finding Nemo"). 

We did a pre-op/early Xmas family photo shoot today.  A photographer friend was kind enough to come by the house and do a few shots that make us all look good.  I'm pleased we did it (at a friend's suggestion) but wish we didn't have to rush it to try to capture the pre-hell period. 

We took the kids out to dinner at the Manly Grill to kill some time before my little angel had to head off to hospital herself.  She is doing a sleep study tonight at the SAN hospital paediatric sleep unit.  She is scared but being very brave.  We told her that there is nothing to be afraid of as nothing is going to hurt her as they will just be sticking some wired to her skin with something like tape.  I cried when she and Nick drove off at 7pm.  It's now 9pm (which is more like 10p as we switch to daylight savings tonight) and she is finally wired up and ready for sleep. Daddy is with her (sleeping in a little bed beside her) since he has done one of these before. I am sad that she has to go through this medical experience but I hope we can find out why she sleeps for 10+ hours and wakes up exhausted.

Alex and I headed down to Little Manly to watch the fireworks that were being put on as part of the Fleet Review.  A few friends and their kids caught up as well and all had fun.  We bumped into a friend who had a double mastectomy 20 years ago.  She was really upbeat which I needed.  I texted her my thanks and she reminded me that "[I] will have bad days, that's a given.  But if [I] hold on, there will be stacks of other good days. ..we will look back and laugh at this in 10 years."  I so needed that.  I'm off to sleep as it was an exhausting day.