Day 81: Improvements

I feel like the past few days have been trending positive: the headache has mostly gone and the nausea is very low-grade.  It's the exhaustion that's continuing. Having been in bed by 8p the past few nights, tonight's 9-ish feels late. I've also had a few daytime sleeps to keep me going. I'm hoping the tiredness decreases over the next week; I can't imagine what it's going to be like next April!

I woke up feeling great so had a nice walk along the beach to meet Rach for brekkie. I managed to get through the kids' swim club and lunch before I needed a nap. With Alex at his dance concert day, Remie at a birthday party and Nick running errands I had the perfect house for a snooze. 

Nick and I picked up Remie from her birthday party and went to Alex's 4.30p dance concert. I was very happy to be there as my atttendance had been uncertain. After dinner at the RSL where the concert was, it was home and bed for the kids, and now for me. At least Nick has his boat and desk to finish so he won't be too bored for awhile. 

Day 80: Upright

I spent most of the day upright, which felt good after yesterday. I woke up with a much happier head, drank the bottle of water that was by my bed and felt a bit more alive.

Nick dropped off my Honda for a service and inspection, and I managed to drive Errol to get him while the kids were at home with their yoga teacher. I did feel a bit like I was driving in a video game, but I paid close attention. Nick took the kids to school while I watched the French news (pity most of it was lost on me), then Mel, my friend and naturopath, came by with a large jar of what she called "witches' brew".  It tastes like "dirt with cinnamon", as she said.

After Kylie's visit and gift of veggie juice, it was lunch, followed by picking up Alex for speech therapy. He and I got his Secret Santa gift and a pressie for Remie's birthday party tomorrow before he went in with Robynann. I sat at the coffee shop across the street chatting with Kim, who happened to be there, and drinking a nice concoction courtesy of Nick, the barista.

Nick came down and we took the kids to pick up my car.  I dropped the boys at hip hop and headed home. I flopped on the couch with Remie feeling very tired.

After an early dinner, kids to bed and a quick phone chat, I am ready for bed. I feel ok but exhausted. I rinsed my mouth 5 times today and drank lots of water. I ate fairly healthy food (ok, I did have a tiny slice of pumpkin pie to celebrate Thanksgiving). Fingers crossed tomorrow is ok.

Day 79: A whopper of a hangover

I woke up about midnight with a terrible headache and went straight back to sleep thinking that was the best cure. Apparently it wasn't because it was even worse at 6.15a and my tummy was on a rollercoaster. I was feeling very fragile when Remie came in at 6.30. Nick whisked the kids away but Remie came back and read me a whole Billie B. Brown chapter book while Nick had a shower and Alex brought me a big glass of water. They all went down for brekkie and I asked Nick to call the chemo nurses to see if there was anything I could do about the headache. He came up a bit later telling me to drink lots of water and that he'd pick up some tablets at the chemist.

I got out of bed at 9.30a when Nick came back. A shower, a tablet and some brekkie helped me feel somewhat human, but I went back to bed within the hour. I got up for a cuppa and chat with Sue, then went back to bed. I managed to get up at about 1.15p to eat lunch and have a visit with Libby who'd popped by.

I was feeling passable enough by then to go with Nick to get the kids and take them to their swim lessons. As it was a gloriously sunny and warm day, I got in the pool myself and swam 200m with fins. Refreshing.  And tiring.

When we got home I left them to dinner and went back to bed. I gave Remie a new Billie B. Brown book for being so helpful this week and she came in and read it to me. Once she was in bed, Nick and I had a quick bite and watched the news with Alex. He was in bed about 7.30p and I followed shortly thereafter, turning off my light at 7.47p. That's early, even for me, but tough times require tough measures.

Day 78: I'm still here

I expected that I would be writhing on the floor or hunched over the toilet or crying out in pain. Happily, that has not eventuated - yet. It's only been 32 hours so it's still early days, but thankfully I feel ok: well enough to have had a steak, baked potato and salad for dinner (we'll see how that plays out in the next 24 hours...).

I slept great for about 4 hours last night then was up and down every 1-2 hours. Remie came in at 4a; I walked her back to her bed and awoke in mine at 6.15. I was slow on the uptake to start with some queasiness and spaciness but got going after a shower and eggs for brekkie. Chris took the kids to tennis so I managed a walk along the beach before meeting Nick at Alex's assembly. Alex was thrilled to have us there.

Nick dropped me at home and went to work. I talked to my mum, pottered around and managed to inject myself with the Nulasta (white blood cell booster) with which I was sent home. Lunch was a few Salada biscuits (Saltines in American) and a beautiful green smoothie courtesy of Steph.  After all that I succumbed to a 2 hour sleep. It was one of those sleeps that is like being deep underwater as getting to the surface is so hard. When I managed to wake up it was slow again.

I got it together by the time Emma brought the kids home. They all mucked about and I watched. I did serve Jenny' beautiful beef burritos for dinner which were gobbled up.

It's now 9.15p and I'll turn the light off shortly. I am very tired, have a slightly unsettled tummy and a bit of a sore head. Not bad given what was pumped into me yesterday. Fingers crossed it doesn't get much worse.

Day 77: One down, five to go

I was up nearly every hour last night thanks to the howling wind and all the water I drank after lunch. Ok, there may have been some nerves as well.

The morning was executed with military precision. Remie was an agreeable soldier which was a pleasant surprise. The kids happily ran into Steph's at 7.30a and started playing with R and P.  Time to go. 

Nick and I put Errol's top down despite the cloud because, after all, it is the chemo car and we were off to my first round of chemo. Traffic was bad but we managed to get there a few minutes after 8.30a. 

I was admitted to the chemo cottage and shown to my recliner. A lovely nurse came to put on my cold cap: towels around my shoulders, spray to wet my hair then the cold cap on and the neoprene fastener is place. I was surprised that it was actually bearable. 

Then another lovely nurse came and inserted my cannula. She started the drip with saline then moved on to an anti-nausea. She then showed me all 3 bags of fluid that make up my cocktail and had me confirm my name. Somewhere in there the other nurse came back and gave me a tablet anti-emetic (great word meaning anti-nausea). 

Then the bags began. First up was 5FU, the little clear one. That was fine but I was instructed to suck ice chips during that infusion to try to stave off the likely mouth sores. Then came the little red bag that looked like, and had the consistency of, kids' cherry cough syrup. That was the epirubicin.  It's the one that can weaken my heart muscle (!) and also turns my wee red until it is out of my body, which will be a good gauge of how things are going. Finally came the cyclophosphamide, a much bigger bag containing a clear and cold liquid. I needed a thrird blanket for that one. 

The whole IV process took about 90 minutes. I had to wear the cold cap for an our before and an hour after, so we were able to head home about 12.45p.  I was graced with some lovely visitors: Deb brought Nick a coffee, Gail popped in on her way to radiotherapy, Mel's mum (whom I'd never met before), Val, popped in to say hello as her husband was at an appointment, and Ruth came in on her way to work. They were all wonderful company.

Nick and I managed lunch at a local cafe as the weather turned better. Sue even popped by for a coffee with Rose (yellow lab) and some scarves she purchased last week in NYC.

So I am home and feeling ok at 6.30p. I am spaced out, tired and a bit nauseous. I am doing my mouth care wash and drinking water. I can only wait and see from now. 

Day 76: The end of the love affair

I've been swearing I was going to end it. I've tried on and off to cut contact. It's worked for short periods of time, when other things have held my interest or when I've been able to be strong, but it never lasts. I promised myself today was my last big fling and tomorrow I will make a fresh start.

But the champagne at lunch was too enjoyable and thankfully I know that the end of my 75 day affair with alcohol is only temporary. I will endeavour to reduce my consumption (now that all the good bottles are gone from our cellar) as it is advisable as part of my treatment and after.

My "pre-chemo lunch" at Manly Wine was the perfect way to prevent me from worrying about something I can't control and will happen regardless. My fabulous friends who joined me were upbeat, entertaining and so very thoughtful. Thanks to Steph for taking care of the money, Emma for taking one one picture of the day, Jo for the divine hats, Ing for the nail polish, Kay for the book and handbag-sized selection of vodkas, Kim for the trilby, Mel for driving all my stuff home and everyone else for the company. I hope to be able to do another one in 3 weeks.

I am feeling relatively at peace with the next phase of my journey to wellness. Talking with the Breastcare nurse before lunch put my mind at ease. Apparently I will be given all sorts of info and meds tomorrow which will address my concerns. And it will all be in writing. Whew.

I did ask about my 75 day lead up to starting chemo. Claire told me that all sorts of things can extend the schedule (availability of surgeon/oncologist, need for additional tests, family needs). That explains it. She said that they aim to start treatment within 3 months of diagnosis. As I've been told before: cancer is not (normally) a medical emergency but a treatable disease. Given that, I say bring on the toxic cocktail bearing the guys in white to fight those evil cancer cells!

Day 75: All good things must come to an end

After a morning of bike riding and swimming we packed up and headed home. It wasn't just the leaving that was sad; it is what lies ahead that is sad. 

On the drive back my thoughts began shifting gears. I find myself yet again looking over the canyon and not knowing how I'm going to go getting to the other side.  I'm not really worried about starting this next phase of my journey. I can't even say that I'm anxious.  I'm starting to think pragmatically as it is fast approaching: I need to confirm that I'm due in at 8.30a on Tuesday. I wonder how much the cold cap is going to bother me and whether it will be worth it. I can only hope that my veins are robust and the IV lines are fine. I am curious as to what scripts will I be sent home with.  Will I really need a white blood cell booster injection the day after chemo? What signs do I need to look for to know that my reaction is really bad? I need to confirm who and what number I would call for advice.  I need to understand when I would need to go to the emergency room. And we need to have a plan in place for who would come look after the kids if I had to go in the middle of the night. 

And there are less health-threatening questions: Will I make it to the assembly on Wednesday that Alex's class is presenting? Will I be able to attend his hip hop concert on Saturday afternoon? What about the school dance concert Monday night the 2nd? And Remie's MRI on the 4th?

Who ever called me a Type A or said that I over-analyse things??