Day 16 (Thursday 26 September): Adventures in paradise

Today I was able to go on a fabulous trip to the reef with my family, one that I've wanted to do for over a year now: get to the reef w/o being seasick and take my mermaid snorkelling.  We took a helicopter from Hamilton Island out to Reefworld at Hardy's Reef. The flight was amazing. Our mermaid was totally in her element at the reef. She seriously was not at all afraid and was a fabulous swimmer and loved seeing everything. Alex had a great time and even came down the steep slide with me. Nick filmed with the GoPro and had a ball. The ride home was fine and all feel asleep exhausted. I'm thankful I had the opportunity to share this adventure with my beautiful family. 

Day 15 (Wednesday 25 September): Background and possible treatment plans

I've been asked how I got to where I am with this. I can't say that I was phenomenally proactive. I happened to mention to my doc, during my Pap smear, that lefty felt a bit lumpy.  She checked it out and didn't think there was anything to worry about.  She sent me for a mammogram, then a biopsy then dealt me the blow. That all took less than 2 weeks.  I honestly had no idea that anything was wrong until the doctor's office rang to make an appointment after Dr. Karen had seen the biopsy results. Then I promptly baked a cake (!).  

The possible next steps will become clearer approximately 10 days post surgery on the 9th of October (at least I will be out of hospital as we celebrate Alex's 9th birthday on the 17th). First up is taking out what's growing (qty tumours  and size) and then finding out what stage it is (which is the part that requires the waiting). Then I'll get a treatment plan. It possibly starts with chemo if it's in my lymph nodes or blood stream or just really advanced or aggressive. If not, then it'll be straight to 6 weeks of radiotherapy. After all that I'll be on hormone therapy (yes, straight to menopause, which means that at least it won't happen when Remie's going through puberty so there is some upside) for 5 years. If I don't need any of those steps listed then then I go directly to the next one in the line up. Not much fun but all necessary to get it out. And now I understand why I was told I'm on a freight train speeding along. 

Day 14 (Tuesday 24 September): Normal

After a restful sleep (there is a plan) I arose to a normal day of heading off on a lovely holiday to Hamilton Island. I was a bit vague so thankfully Nick and the kids stepped up and got us out the door. After Scrabble with Alex on the flight, we arrived in a virtual paradise of golf buggies, a plethora of pools, a booking to go snorkelling at the reef, a day aboard a sailboat and a kids' club that my kids where my kids want to go. Very exciting! It all feels so normal. I love it!

I did turn to Nick this morning at some point and said something like "Wow. I have cancer. That's weird."  It took up lots of my head space about it during the trip (the Scrabble distraction did focus me elsewhere) but now that we are here I am in the present again.

I remember years ago, when I was going through my divorce, I was in my head lots of the time. My world as i knew it was over and my troubles were big. I couldn't quite connect with the world around me. I am fighting that now. I want to be here. Now. My world as i know it will end soon, but a new one containing great things i cant even begin to imagine will take its place.

I am here now. I am happy to have time to relax and enjoy and share in my kids' excitement. I am lucky.  I am enjoying feeling fine. I will take on tomorrow's challenges tomorrow, when they come.  Not now.

Day 13: It's all in the perspective

I was lamenting the cosmetic side of this whole thing over dinner, given that I'm going to be lop-sided going into the summer beach season.  Nick simply suggested that I just go for a bright yellow thong as it would likely redirect any unwanted attention from my top half.  How's that for male problem solving?!?!

Day 13 (Monday 22 September): There is a plan

I arrived at the hospital 10 mins early for my 6.30a MRI this morning.  Go figure.  The sunrise drive to the hospital was lovely.  I did not enjoy the MRI but I managed to get on top of my panic by channeling all the positive people and events in my life.  I tried to use it as a breathing exercise (see, I have learned something from yoga).

I was finished by 7.40a and not scheduled to meet with Rebecca and Dr. Andrew until 9.30a so I rang Deb, who lives close by, and invited myself over with coffees.  We had a nice brekkie and chat in the morning sun in her garden and she reminded me that whatever happens I just want "clear margins".  Right!

Then it was back to the hospital to meet Nick, head to Imaging to pick up my films and over to the surgeon's office.  In we went to Rebecca's make-shift office to learn the news: it's widespread DCIS (pre-cancer) and small invasive cancer (at least that's what they suspect). The first step will be a mastectomy (left only) on Wed 9th with an expander (beginning of reconstruction) at same time. I'll be in the hospital up to 7 days. Follow on treatment TBD after pathology from the removal.

Bless my gorgeous childhood friend who's pointed out the positives as follows:

*Up to 7 nights without having to put anyone else to bed 

*You get the tv to yourself, no Octonauts 

*You get a free pass to splurge on ANY pricey bras at Victoria's Secret 

*Someone else will cook for you for up to 7 nights and no dishes to do 

*You get to demand lots of attention (In fact, this is a MUST!) 

*You get to ask for favors from anyone, guilt-free (this is also  a MUST!!)  

So how do I feel?  I'm not really sure.  I'm relieved to hear the words "pre-cancer".  I'm relieved that there's a plan for the first step.  I'd rather not have more of my body removed, but that's where I am.  I'm hoping that the surgery is a big part of this battle as it'll mean that the bad stuff is mostly out.  If not, I'll cross that bridge then.  For now, I'm going to get Remie to her allergist appointment, finish packing for our holiday and then go and enjoy 8 days of family time while I feel good (and still look even-sided in a cossie - oh, it's going to be a long summer...).  The future remains to be seen...

Day 12: How did I get so lucky?

I find myself wondering how I ever got so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.  Support has poured in from all over and in all different ways and the train has only barely left the station.

I had a fabulous time last night with friends experiencing The Cat Empire live at the Enmore Theatre.  I can't thank the people who made it happen enough: Freddie for his selfless sacrifice of his ticket, Nick for sending me off and looking after the kids, Rach for insisting we dance, Jono for keeping us in drinks and Sue for the initial idea.

I suspect I'm going to have to lean on all of you, so thank in advance for all the help.  I hope to be able to repay it one day.

Day 10 (Thursday 19 September): How long is a piece of string?

Have I mentioned that I don't like the unknown??  I actually feel ok with it at the moment, but that might just be denial.  More information will be useful, but I'm not sure that I really want it because when I have it this will actually be real.

I waited as patiently as possible for 10 days for my first appointment with "the surgeon", Dr. Andrew.  In my mind, he was the guy who was going to answer my immediate questions (how much is there, how bad might it be, when do we start moving, what's the likely treatment, what's the prognosis).  He was to be the one who would know about this cancer stuff.

After nearly 30 mins of waiting, his fellow, Rebecca, called us in.  She'd read my pathology.  She asked for my mammogram and ultrasound images.  She explained to us the picture that these two pieces of information gave her: early breast cancer (called DCIS), easily treatable.  The path includes lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy (day or possibly overnight surgery, leaving everything in place but making my left side smaller after removal of the cancer) followed by radiotherapy for approximately 6 weeks.  I can handle this.

Then we move on to the "squeeze test" (exam).  Here she doesn't find what she expects. She takes out the ultrasound to have a look but can't see anything clearly. But she doesn't worry me.  Instead, she goes to get Dr. Andrew.  He comes in and has a look.  He questions Rebecca on what she recommends.  When she says that she thinks an MRI might be good because she isn't sure she has a good enough idea of what's going on he tells her "that's pure fence-sitting".  Then he, too, takes out the ultrasound.  He checks my lymph nodes, which he says look clear.  He has a feel and notes that there are some irregular lumps and some areas that are "alarming".  He then decides that I should go have an MRI.  Fence-sitter.

So I'm booked to be the first cab off the rank for an MRI at 6.30a on Monday.  They confirmed that an MRI is ok for my titanium hip (I swear I'm only 47!) and they have my details on file at the Mater Hopsital Imaging.  If they find anything "suspicious", they'll biopsy it. Yippee.  When I'm finished and have found a coffee and some food, I'll make my way back to see Rebecca and Dr. Andrew to discuss what we really have, when I go for surgery and what they'll do.

The upside is that we do get to go on our scheduled holiday to Hamilton Island in the Whitsundays.  We'll be able to take the kids snorkeling on the reef and they can ride around in the golf buggies.  They are so looking forward to it so I'm glad I don't have to disappoint them.  On this.  For now.  We will have a great time swimming and playing.  Life is too short not to.