Day 280: Sweet dreams are made of this (or A new look)

I had a hair appointment yesterday, 6 weeks after my first post-chemo cut and colour. I decided to make a bit of a change and go for an Annie Lennox look in preparation for my 30th high school reunion, which takes us back to the early-mid 1980s,  It is "champagne blonde" and shaved at the back. I love it.  It reminds me of the cut I made from 1982-92, though that was a bit more "Flock of Seagulls".

It's important to remember that good can come out of "bad".  I never would've taken my hair short if I didn't have to and I love it. I can't say that I'll keep it like this, but I am really enjoying the chage (and I'm not just saying that). I can say that I'm happy to be blonde again, though.

Day 279: Post-radiotherapy check-up

I went to the 3-6 assembly today as Alex was getting an award. He was so proud as he got up to accept his Saphire Award for "being a smiley, friendly and cooperative member of class". So cute.

After that I jumped in Errol and enjoyed another sunny drive to the Mater, today for my post-treatment check-up with Dr. Susan. As I was early, and she was early, the appointment ended before it was supposed to start. She is happy with the condition of my skin and my overall health (which is really all she can look at as there is no test or scan to determine if the radiotherapy is going to help prevent my cancer from recurring), so she said there's no need for me to see her again but I can always ring if I have any questions. The invoicing system was down so I even got out without having to pay for the appointment as well as out of the car park under 30 minutes so it was free. What a banner trip to the hospital.

Day 278: Another travel necessity

When I spent my few years in the mid-1990s on a plane from the west coast of the US to Europe and back for work, travel was relatively simple. I really only needed to remember 4 key items: passport, credit card, prescription eyewear and prescription drugs, plus a mobile phone or 2, as US phones didn't work outside the US.

In the past 8 months, I have added multiple items to 3 of the above categories: passport (I now have 2), prescription eyewear (I now have daily disposable contacts and prescription sunnies) and prescription drugs (I've added Tamoxifen and Stillnox). Plus I've added yet a new category: compression garments (!).

I had a very enjoyable drive in Errol today to the Mater, where I saw Dr. Theresa to get fitted for a compression sleeve. We walked through my diagnosis and treatment, and she revisited my need to take care to try to avoid lymphoedema given that I had 25 lymph nodes removed. She fitted me with a lovely compression arm sleeve AND hand sleeve in the lovely "flesh tone", so I will be looking fabulous on my flights. She suggested I find a physio clinic in Boston to be prepared in the event that I do experience swelling in my arm. It's unlikely, but she suggested it wouldn't hurt to know what to do.

After that I went to yoga, which I found challenging today. Apparently I have some swelling in my rib cartilage under my left arm from the radiotherapy, or so Dr. Theresa said. It's not really painful but, combined with my recent focus on exercise and subsequent soreness, it did put a damper on my backbends (which haven't actually happened in years).

Kirstin and I had lunch and both agreed that, despite all the fear of the diagnosis and unpleasantness of treatment, we are actually happier now than before. We don't worry about the little things knowing that life is short. I'm trying to make a habit out of enjoying every day, or at least some part of it.

Day 277: Regrowth

It's 12 weeks since my last round of chemo and 4 week past radiotherapy. My hair is growing madly, and I even have eyelashes. I'm back into an exercise routine that consists of gym/PT, swimming and yoga, so I'm feeling stronger (and much more sore). My sleeping has settled down, though I'm still awake at the slightest noise and generally up early. I even stayed up until past 10p last night doing stuff, and having that energy is exciting.

I'm looking forward to our trip that starts next Wednesday but I'm appreciating the ease of living in a familiar space. I'm hoping to be able to get enough rest while we're away to get the most out of the time I get with friends and family in fun places.

Day 273: Gone but not forgotten - or maybe

When I was awake in the night on Tuesday (thanks to a hot flush that seemed to last nearly an hour), I realised that I need to get a compression sleeve for my upcoming long haul flight. How's that for a reminder of the steps taken to remove the cancer? I talked to Claire (Breastcare nurse) about it and she told me I need a proper fitting so she gave me contact details for the nurses who do it. When I rang on Wednesday, they had just had a cancellation, so I'm in to see Theresa next Tuesday to get fitted.  Man am I glad I remembered that.

As I'm contemplating getting my right breast removed as well as having an oopherectomy (removal of ovaries), I asked Claire how I would proceed. She said to come see her when I get back from holidays and she'll walk me through the pros and cons. I can then take my decision to Dr. Andrew, who is not keen on discussing prophylactic mastectomies unless the patient understands the risks. I'm not certain as to what I want so a discussion with Claire will be useful.

I rang today and made my one year mammogram and ultrasound appointment for 9th September, the exact anniversary of my diagnosis. I figured it would be a fitting way to spend part of the day. I also rang Dr. Andrew's office to book in my follow on discussion regarding my expander and the other surgical stuff. His receptionist told me that he is booked out until December and he didn't have time for new patients. She found me an appoitment when I told her that he had removed my breast and put the expander in (!). Unbelievable.

Remie told me tonight, out of the blue and in a light-hearted way, that she would "fall to bits" if I were to die (I can't at all remember what prompted it, but I don't think we were discussing anything related). I told her I wasn't planning on going anytime soon and I thought she was better suited to being whole. She lost a tooth today so was very excited. Happily I remembered so the contents of her tooth box have been swapped.

Alex and I watched a special report on in-home palliative care. The story was of a local woman who lost her battle with mulpile Myleoma and wanted to die at home. She seemed to be an amazing woman who surrounded herself with family and friends and chose how she wanted to go.  Beautiful.

Day 268: The black cloud of fear

I had a perfectly wonderful week returning to the dull and boring routine of normal life. I thoroughly enjoyed my regular exercise and running the kids around. I can get away with simply saying I chose to cut my hair. My memory is not particularly reliable and I'm tired, but I was like that before my diagnosis.

I have actually cherished my cuddles with the kids and time with Nick (don't worry, I did lose my patience with all 3 of them at some points). I appreciate the stories Remie tells and the detailed solution Alex has found to some problem. I know these things don't last forever.

Last night I got to thinking about my high school reunion and showing Alex around campus. It's only 5 years before he'll be old enough to apply if he so chooses. I realised that, by then, I will either be celebrating my 5 year cancer-free mark or not. The idea of dealing with the latter as Alex starts 9th grade sent me into tears. I now understand what cancer survivors mean about "the dark cloud".

I simply have to try to "suck the marrow" out of every day, as Lucy said. I figure it's far better (not to mention much more fun) to focus on that attempt than worry about the dark cloud, about which I can't really do anything.

Day 262: My energy is returning

Between swimming, yoga, gym sessions and even a 2km family fun run yesterday, I'm feeling really good about my increase in energy level. Having been plodding through for the past 5 or so months, it feels great to be able to get up and go. Wail I'm nowhere near what I could do a year ago, I'm ver much enjoying the trend.

I awoke at 3.30a this morning panicked that I'd forgotten to take my Tamoxifen. I quickly rectified that. I'd better be more diligent with this new habit. I was told by the Breast Care nurse who called today during the chaos of school pick up (I think her name was Ann) that the side effects of Tamoxifen can be strong. It's time to wait and see.